Mighty Mommy Monday – Performance Anxiety

It’s Mighty Mommy Monday! Abbie of Farmer’s Daughter and I have decided to challenge you on a weekly basis.  Claim the Mighty Mommy title for yourself — every day, not just Mondays. Every week, we’ll host a link up for you to tell us what you’re doing to take care of your health: workouts, menu plans, how to keep your family active, etc. I’ve set a few goals for 2014, but my biggest is to swim a total of 30 freestyle miles this year AND run a half marathon in October! Join us!

 

Last week I just did what I wanted. I didn’t run much, I spent more time with my family and trying to manage all the school year “lasts”. It was a crazy, busy, good week. Last night, as I started supper prep a horrid stomach bug announced it’s presence. Today is better, but I still feel awful. And the anxiety set in. My workouts last week were more cross training than I usually do, so I felt like I wasn’t challenged. I mean, I never woke up sore and I usually judge the intensity of the day before’s workout by that 🙂 I’m kind of stagnating at 2.5 miles right now. I had some pain in my knee and my calves are tighter than piano strings so I think I need to spend a little time here getting my body over this hump, so to speak. While I’m running, all the endorphins are flowing and this seems like a healthy plan.

But then, I wake up not feeling well, emotional over stupid things and I worry. I cried in the shower because how on EARTH am I going to add on 11 more miles?! And I’m weak from being sick. And my belly is still so gross. And someone asked me two weeks ago (after an awesome run, too!) when I was due. And. And. And.

I told myself to suck it up. That this is something I committed to and I will finish it, even if I walk across the finish line. I haven’t looked at the official training plan because it’s scary to me right now. Truthfully, I haven’t really prayed over my mindset. It’s so true that the majority of the battle for these runs are in the mind. If I tell myself to do it, if I don’t allow myself the listen to the lies that I’m weak or slow and push on toward the finish, I feel strength. When I tell myself I can wimp out because of a bad day or weepy mood, I feel defeat.

I checked the training plan after I calmed myself down. It doesn’t start until July 26th. Yes. I’m stagnating at 2.5 miles. Yes. I’m struggling to rework my schedule during the summer. Yes. I’m still learning how to stretch and recover. BUT. I’m running without stopping. Even when training for the tri I had to stop and walk. Only once since graduating for college have I ever ran longer than half an hour. And you know what? I did that AFTER having two children. I did that AFTER turning 30. So it’s not too late. I’m not a lost cause. 2.5 miles is the furthest I have run since college. Considering that I’ve been so neglectful of my health in these last 10 years, I think I should be focusing on that.

So back to the mind. I’m not yet sure how to control these thoughts other than to ask the Lord to remind me every time I start slipping down that icky path of self-doubt and defeat. I’ve got a long way (literally) to go yet, but I’ve come from not being able to even jog for 5 minutes. I can run and keep up with the kids for hours. And my son is asking me to teach him how to run races. I may still have growth to complete, but what’s been done so far is amazing. Performance anxiety is not going to be something I choose to focus on… yeah, not a fan of crowds and fears of the unknowns will for sure creep in between now and October, but from now on, I’m committing to reminding myself that I can and I will. No matter what it looks like, I will.