Being Still

I finished reading Beth Moore’s book Believing God {aff link} this week. It took me a while, as I had a lot of digesting to do. Her writing style is very gentle and yet to the point. I like it… which makes me laugh because I honestly had no idea who she was until a few months ago. Toward the end of the book, there were a few things I wanted to remember, so I spent some time Tuesday afternoon copying them to my journal and thinking about our current season in life.

Beth was describing types of challenges in life and our responses. Not all require us to wage an internal war, but instead ask us to be quiet and wait on the Lord. I was struck… shaken… to my core.

Keep up your day in, day out fundamentals, be still in ME, and trust that I am in control – total control. I don’t want your involvement on this issue. I just want you to practice keep your hands off of it and letting me have it.”

I read this paragraph over and over before writing “This is where I am right now. With everything that has cropped up – just practicing being still and trusting.” Matt and I have talked about this several times in the last year, we have done all we can in our struggles, only to have that inner voice telling us to simply be quiet and wait. For me, a type-A action-oriented person, this is hard. Not hard. Virtually impossible.

As my day progressed, I felt more and more that I was to embrace this… that I read this for a purpose. At 4:31pm my phone rang with the news that our rental {which is for sale and therefore vacant} was broken into and the copper piping stolen. I hung up the phone and stood in my dining room laughing.

Isn’t it the Best? Despite all our efforts and precautions, someone still broke in. And yet, I chose stillness over fear. Perhaps for the first time in my life even. This year I have determined that instead of chasing perfection, I am going to embrace growth. Growth happens at it’s own rate… no matter my goals or plans, I have to just keep pushing forward and trust that the process of growth will still occur regardless of how it feels to me. In this moment, I can see the growth.

Stillness is hard for me. But this small victory of not allowing myself to panic and instead trust that everything will work out shows me that I’m learning. I’m making progress. I’m growing in the stillness, inspite of myself. Because of Him.

 

Redirection

In the last several months, I’ve felt that I needed to take a step back and evaluate where this blog is going. Although I’ve contemplated ending this blog entirely, I love the domain name and adore the graphics my husband created for me. In a few short months, I’ll have two children who are school aged and my days as a member of MOPS will draw to a close. With that, my venue for writing devotionals for moms will also draw to a close.

It has been my heart’s desire to write devotionals for women since before I knew what it even meant. I hear other women who have similar goals say they want to be just like Beth Moore or Lysa Turkhurst. I only learned who those women are this past year. I can see the draw to that level of a goal. It would be wonderful if my words, typed with a pug at my feet and children building legos {or fighting} could ever have that impact. But at the heart of my desire I don’t have that urge. The older I get, the more I appreciate the small. I long for the quiet and the intimate. Large groups, while never my “thing” were always something I did so I could fit in. I don’t want to fit in any longer. I want to do what I was created to do, even if that involves me taking a deep breath, drawing up all my bravery and stepping away from the norm.

I met with a dear friend for coffee this morning. She is one of my closest friends in the entire world and telling her about this dream came naturally. She wisely mentioned that when God has something for you, it’s like the nagging of a toothache… ever-present and demanding attention until you finally see a dentist and take care of it. She quickly added that the analogy of a toothache isn’t there to assume following God’s will for your life is always painful, but to tell you the truth, I feel uncomforatble. I feel like I’ve been trying to continue walking around in the size 8 1/2 heels I bought pre-kids even though my feet are now a full size larger.

My life has changed a lot in the past year. My heart has changed and grown. I have finally been able to set aside all the pain and struggles and the bitterness I felt at God’s {percieved} abandonment and realize that while everything I’ve ever known has changed – radically– God has been the one constant. Always waiting for me to, in effect, get over myself and be brave enough to be humble. Now, at the age of 33, I finally get to learn lessons my heart wasn’t ready for years ago. Lessons I wish I could have been ready for, but am grateful to be where I am.

My blog has always been about food and family. But you know what I learned in 2014? Physical food had become my comfort even without an obsession. It took several months, but following that realization, I discovered that when anxious, if I chose to spend time in the Word, instead of crying into a piece of chocolate cake, I could actually rest. I want to share this with others. Mothers, singles, Grandpas… I don’t care if you are in my demographic, I want people to understand that there is a way to feed your soul that doesn’t always involve butter or cheese. And as much as I love my dairy products, I love peace even more.

In the coming weeks, there will be some design changes with this blog, so please bear with me. I am excited to move beyond myself and share what I’m learning. I am thrilled to be brave enough to shift the emphasis from our bellies to our souls. Will you join me?